I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
