They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
