you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
