im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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