Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
