Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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