You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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