Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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