Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
