I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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