There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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