i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
