I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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