There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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