she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
