Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My vagina just clenched in fear
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
