she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
