If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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