i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
