Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
