It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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