I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
