I hope mine doesn't look like that
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
