Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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