Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
