it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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