New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
