I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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