I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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