Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
