his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
