I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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