So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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