My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
