I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
