I'm passing your future prison.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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