It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
