I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
