Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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