I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She made me pour olive oil on her.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
