The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
