I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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