I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
40s are totally the cure
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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