Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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