you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
