I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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