I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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