If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
