just survived the first fart of the relationship.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
