We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
