Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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