Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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