I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
