Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
