my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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