I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
