Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
